YOU FOR ME, ME FOR YOU

It’s just been a moment but it feels like forever already.

You’ve made me complete,  that void in me that I didn’t know it even exists you’ve filled and no longer do I have a reason to feel empty for your love has filled me from within. 
I love me now, I love you more and I love us most. Knowing that am in you and you’re in me and that we are in us,gives me the same beautiful feeling that I get each time I breath in life. I’ll admit that mine livity you’ve given meaning and waking up nowadays I have more than enough to look up to because yours loving heart has never ceased to make my life beautiful. 

I’ve told you before and let me mention again lest you forget, that you’re an angel and there’s absolutely no doubt about it because to me heaven you’ve  revealed, I wouldn’t compare this happiness  to any other kind.  

Mine are not words to flatter even if so they may seem. Its probable that they had to come out this way so that you know that my life hasn’t been the same since I met you. I don’t understand how just the thought of you brings a smile on my face but then I don’t wanna question why, allow me be lost in the bliss of having you for me.

With you I don’t want forever,  it doesn’t sound infinite enough for me. Maybe eternity will work and then I can have my life over to live it just for you.

YOU AND I FOUND US

Life began when I found you.

You and I found us when all odds were against us. I’ll call you courageous because to me you’re that Lioness that never feared launching into the deep to get what was deserved of her. How you’ve held my hand when I was uncertain and reassured me that you will stay deserves me to lay down my life for you.

I don’t know what pushed you to fight for me but whatever it is am more than grateful for it. Your promise to kiss away all the pain I’ve endured I’ve never even for a single moment doubted it. Selflessly you’ve dedicated your life to fighting for what we have. I promise you my loyalty even into the infinity of time.

You’re are happiness to me and happiness is us when am with you. I’ve told you time and again that you’ve made my life beautiful. I’ll feel tempted to accuse you of bewitching me because you turned my gloomy life into a bubble of joy but then still I don’t complain. ‘Niroge kwa zaidi’ I plead.

I feel tempted to mention your name to the ends of the world but then again maybe I’ve forgotten it because I’ve never found the courage to call you anything other than an angel for which even the heavens do agree that you are. 

SHE

Thank you my love.

Should I say my day you’ve brigtened up? Or that my whole life you’ve made a bright light? Should I call you a princess or an angel? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t give my whole life to you like a servant to a Queen that you are to me?

Probably you come from that place that I was told people use voodoo power, but either way, do I seem to mind? No I don’t, am glad to be lost in you and should I live my life over again, I’d lose myself in you even much earlier. 

What you are to me, not even words would describe,  the human language falls short of all beautiful words that could be used to describe you my beloved. 

Why I love you? You complete me. Why I care? You mean the world to me. Why I want you?  My life depends on you. How long do I want to have you? Past all logical time into eternity. 

YOU LIED

Yeah that’s right, you did

You lied, 

When you said that by my side you’d stay even past this life into eternity,  yet at the chance of departing you never looked behind even once,

You lied,

When you said that only mine beauty marvelled you and none other would you look at, but now their beauty I see you praise beyond words can,

You lied,

When you said no distance would ever be too large for us to overcome, but now you keep far away from me like a plague I’ve turned into,

 

I MEANT IT 

Every word came from deep within

I wasn’t  mad when  I said it,

From the depths of my heart I had meant and probably I had become  too wishful when it came to thinking and thought the same it would be on the other side, I wouldn’t sat I was duped but then maybe my heart went to the wrong place,

I wasn’t mad when I said it,

I meant it just like I felt it, I thought that maybe my sincerity would sweep you off your feet but then its clearly it didn’t and mine heart had nothing else but to be crashed over and over again like it had so many times before, 

I wasn’t mad when I said,

And my hope had been that the bravery of me opening up to you would have worked its magic in getting you for me, call me selfish but I always wanted to own your heart and be the object of your fantasy 

HOW?

Please explain to me

How is it that its easy for you, to shove me to the side and pick up with your life like nothing ever happened? 
How is it that its easy for you, to say you love me and would die for me then a moment later you don’t want to see me again?
How is it that its easy for you, to find me a replacement so quickly yet a moment earlier you said I meant the world to you? 
How is it that its easy for you, to not think back to where we are yet the moments we shared were meant to last? 

YOUR SIDE

Take me to your side,

So that I can easily get over you just like you did me, or is it that I didn’t matter right from the start?

Take me to your side,

So that tomorrow I can wake up and just restart my life just like you did yours,  or is it that I wasn’t there in your life?

Take me to your side,

So that I can smile more widely as if nothing really happened, or is it that you had prayed that it happens? 

Take me to your side,

So that I can forget all my hurt in a day just like you did, or is that only I was hurting? 

DON’T LET ME LOSE YOU 

Don’t let me lose you,

I won’t be able to forgive myself if it happened, you’ve been my sunshine all this time that my world was stormy, 

Don’t let me lose you,

I know my stupidity got us here and it sure does piss you off, but then you’re the only one who knows how to bring the best in me,

Don’t let me lose you,

This time hasn’t been easy for me and am sorry I turned it on you, be there for me like you’ve always been I plead,

Don’t let me lose you, 

I can’t stand the thought of you with somebody else, you’ve proven time and again that with you I do belong, 

Don’t let me lose you,

I know that I did fail you when you needed me to stand up for us, you’ve seen me at my worst and still loved me, please let this not be an exception 

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE ANYMORE 

Its harder than I had thought

I took away your happiness,  the kindness you always accorded me its possible I won’t see again. How about your beautiful smile, will the warmth of it be directed my way again? Probably not.

Am sure right now we won’t be crossing paths like we did before, am sure you’ll do everything there is the world if just so you never see me again. Its going to hurt,no lie about it. Especially when I think of the possibility that this may be the last year around you. My fears just seem to take over now.

That picture of you that I have, I know this will surprise you but then we did take one. Long before you even were aware of it, its hidden away but I bumped into it yesterday, and I felt my heart become heavy. I am stupid, there’s no refuting it.

Why couldn’t I just say yes?  Why did I fear so much for you? Was it right that I didn’t want to get you into trouble.  This sacrifice that am making, would they make it for you too? But then all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, I’d do anything for that to be so. I know I don’t sound convincing to you but its the truth.

How am going to live with myself I really don’t know, when it comes to matters of the heart, it appears that am a serial loser. Your case just confirmed it. Tell me how do I even gain the courage to face the world knowing that I sent a sad soul into it even after all the good that you’ve done to me. Am sorry.    

INTRUDER OF MY PEACE

I want to be fearless just as you are.

How is it that you’ve become my obsession?  I went to sleep with thoughts of your causing havoc in my head and passion burning through the heart,only to wake to an even worse realization that am now lost in you and am entirely dependent. 

You know that I fear the ride, its none like I’ve been upon before. The huge magnitude promises that you make to me I don’t know how to believe them. I fear for you that you may fail to live up to them and thus keep blaming yourself for anything that might happen.

But then again I’ve known you and how stubborn you’re when in pursuit of what you want. And it saddens me to know that you won’t stop any time soon. I thought that through my words I’ll be able to put you off but I’ve realized its going to be futile and now we both have to suffer for I don’t know how long.

How I wish I could have as much courage as the beloved does, then I wouldn’t have to fear anything that they will say and I’ll be happy to let go off my guard and allow you to take my hand and together we will walk that path they think to be impossible and prove them wrong. 

YOUR PATIENCE WE’LL NEED

If am the one for you then you must be the one for me. I’ve long believed in the Alchemist’s teaching that when you want something, the whole world conspires to grant you your wish, my wish has been you.

You’ve promised me that you won’t mind waiting, your patience will be the one thing I’ll appreciate most for its sure to take us through the toughest of times. And when I say wait it doesn’t mean that I’ll keep you in the shadows. Away from your life am not planning to move, by your side I want to stay.

Am hopeful just as you’re my dear, that any difference in our beliefs will be sorted out. If am with you no hurdle will be too high to go over. Am willing to fight for I know I’ll be fighting alongside a queen 👑.  You’ve proven more than enough times to be my source of inspiration,  the real motivation that I need to fight for another day.

My heart you’ll own, yours it will become and mine you’ll be. I felt it long before it could come to being. For you I want to be, the person that you think of whenever the word happiness is mentioned.

 

SAVE ME FROM MYSELF 

A beast lives in me

​Save me from myself I plead, am self consuming and to me no help seems to come.

I messed up on a good thing because I feared even that which ought not to have been feared, how feeble my heart is to say No or Yes at the right time is a puzzle that even me I can’t solve.

I turned down which ought to have been my chance to a happy life because  I was too stuck up in my own fantasies that I couldn’t see reality when it knocked on my door. I still curse myself for that momentary hesitation.

I failed to give my A game when it was needed most, out of the window my dreams had been thrown out because I couldn’t turn up at the table when it was needed. What I had held dear for long as my salvation is now my one ticket to hell.

I PRAY FOR COURAGE 

I have never been this sincere.

​I  want courage for my life to move ahead. Holding to long faded beliefs has been nothing but detrimental to my existence. 

I pray for courage that I come out of cowardice and accept love as a stepping stone for my wellbeing. Commitment seems like a wild fire that my naive self fears to fight. I want courage, just to make it work at least for once.

I pray for courage to walk out of school and go where my heart longs to be. I wasn’t meant for this, and I’ve known since day but my fear of disappointing those that ‘believe’ in me has made me stick on to something that am not into. I want to leave, its time.

I pray for courage to let go off my past, that I may be able to lose myself in the present moment and not be afraid that I won’t have an identity anymore. I want that thrill of being formless and not be confined to acting in a way that people or society demands. 

I pray for courage to leave everything behind and just follow my passion for writing and be proud to have put the naysayers in their right place, behind me. I want to feel that fulfillment that writing brings me and not just as a spiking one off feeling but I want to be lost in its bliss.

I pray for courage to let go off my stay in this place I’ve always called home and travel, travel to each and every single place that I have ever felt that my heart calls on me to go to. At the same time meet new people and try out new things that until now I’ve only dreamt about,  bunjee jumping and sky diving have always called on me to give them my heart.

I pray for courage that I give my heart to the beliefs that I feel bring me closer to God and not get lost in the bureaucracy that people call religion. I know God exists and having connected with the soul of the world I believe this to be true.

DEAR YOU

I’ve got to be honest.

Dear you who has my head wrapped up around you, I haven’t been able to sleep since we became frank about each other. Lost,  I must say I am, on what to think or feel because you know what you’ve done to my mind and heart all at a go. The hurdles just seem way to hard to go over. But then you’ve promised to carry me over the highest of them all. You’ve promised me strength and to be honest,  I do really feel it and I can’t tell you just how much confidence this gives me. Could you be the savoir that I’ve been waiting for all this while, or is just a momentary illusion like all others?

You said you were going to stay no matter what and I told you about the only person who ever said that and meant it. You asked about them and probably I couldn’t tell you much because of the sad story behind it but then I read it that you understood what I meant perfectly well.

What I’ve lacked for an entirety of life you’ve more than stated that you’re willing to grant me. Am not sure if I should believe you but my mind shuts down immediately I think of it and only my heart seems to function then. You know how my heart is inclined to you, that I don’t need to tell you, you seem to have been the only one who’s welcome in it.

I don’t know about what you thought about me when I said a close ally of yours was behind my last fall. But I had to let it out because its the worst fear that I’ve had ever since I thought me and you could be. But then again I need to be honest with you about something, I can’t but help think of their intervention in our lives. Am not one to give into my fears but this one overpowers me. Your life will be a daylight nightmare for you. I must say this,I love you too much to take you through this, I’ve got to let go. 

I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT 

A lot stands in my way, but my destination I’ll reach

I’ve thought about what it would be like to have you by my side, and more than amazing is the feeling that engulfs me when I think of it. How frequently I’ll be listening to your amazing voice as you laugh, or how frequently I’ll be seeing that beautiful smile that always takes me from 0 to 100. Without mentioning how frequently I’ll be hugged and kissed randomly. That to me is the happiness that am looking for, the happiness that will turn my gloomy life into that joyous life that I’ve always wished for.

And again I’ve thought of just how much I’d want to be by your side as we watch those horror movies that you love so much, how I’d have to hold you tight each time you feel scared and assure you that for your sake my life I’ll put on the line. I’ve thought about how talkative you’re and how good I am at listening, its more than certain that the best match me and you will make.

But then I’ve also thought about my fears, like how uncomfortable your life would be during those times that am on my meds, will you be able to handle the depression of a bipolar? See, the last time I gave my heart to someone they left because to them I wasn’t normal. Its true am not but then I do strive and with a little love and someone to care am sure to snap out of my depression. 

I’ve thought about your heart having already given up on me because I act stupid and don’t have as much courage as compared to my peers, most of whom stand out and have confidence. My low self esteem probably has made you think thrice about having a coward as your guy.

I’ve thought about how you’ll be ridiculed by your friends if I come into your life and how unbearable the torment will be for you. May be they’ll tell you that you’ve been bewitched or that you’re feeding on leftovers as is the usual terminology. Or maybe they’ll say you were happy when I fell out with your friend,they’ll probably term you as a joykiller. What if they say that you’ve fallen for a broke guy or one that isn’t up to par,would you live with such? 

And again I’ve thought about what you believe in, would your kindred accept someone from the other side? Would they demand that I too convert? And what if they learnt that I don’t ascribe to any, would they term me as evil for you? 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS 

To her, they were just words

​Thank you for your words,

Its what she said after I had opened up my heart,  how my hopes had been crushed she never understood because to her they were just words, 

Thank you for your words, 

Its what I heard even after I had made my intention clear enough that my life I’d lay down for her, the promise of forever didn’t sound logical to her and she said they were just words,

Thank you for your words,

Its the response that I stayed up waiting for after an endlessly long night,  she never seemed to understand that on her I had bid my time and the anxiety I had gone through was nothing because to her they were just words
Photocredits: Kattam Mash

THE COUNTRY I LOVE 

Kenya ni Yangu, Kenya ni Yako, Kenya ni Yetu


For the country that I love,

I’ll wake up and make my vote and not just my voice count, August 8th for me isn’t just a day but a landmark occasion, 

For the country that I love,

I won’t be swayed by their notes and coins so that I sell my vote, that piece of paper for me is a decision that am making even for my unborn son and daughter, 


For the country that I love,

I won’t cause disharmony even if my candidate won’t go through on August 8th, August 9th I’ll still want to say hi to my crush though she doesn’t come from the same rural home as me,

For the country that I love,

I’ll pray for posperity and let the words of our National Anthem hold meaning to lives of many,and I’ll let jistice be our shield and defender

#AmKenyaAndKenyaIsMe

FEELING MATHOGOTHANIO

A time when our emotions play ping pong on our souls.

And I was happy, 

That about you and us I could think of and have the object of my fantasies as my prime thought, I was elated I must confess,

Then again I was sad,

When you said you will leave and cast the ‘us’ into doubt even despite the distance we had gone, cruel I still think it to be,

And I was optimistic still,

That the other one would hurt you too and to me you’d come back for here in my arms and heart you would always be received, am still hopeful I should say


Then again I was stressed, 

When I heard that all was well with them that you called your own now and that I seemed to have been utterly replaced without a doubt, you made me hopeless,

And I was joyous, 

When in the middle of the night I was woken up by your phone call and what you said was that you had missed me, it was probable that my memories had lasted, that lit up my spirits,

Then again I was angry,

When I had you mention that your new one had made you experience your best moments in life despite you having  known each other for just a fortnight, your words left me broken,

Photocredits: S.T.E.V.E.N.S

WHAT YOU OUGHT TO HAVE KNOWN 

My words are not to pamper

You said I should speak of what is sincere to you. It wasn’t my intention not to make my mind a no go zone whose thoughts you couldn’t read with ease. Probably its because I had wanted you to listen to the heart for it didn’t harbor as huge a cloud of a lie as my mind.

Long before you  took notice, I already had and the you that many don’t see I had already befriended. I’ve seen you laugh and give out that genuine outburst of joy that one can’t help but be intoxicated with. If I say I don’t like the sound of your laughter it will be an outright lie, am bewitched by it. Then another time I was there when you shed them, tears because at the time all you could grapple with was fear, I held you and would have wanted the moment to last. Only that we belonged to different people and they wouldn’t have to know for it wouldn’t have been kind a gesture to them. The connection was none like I had felt before.

Another time I saw you motivated,  and there was no doubt that ambition you had filled within you. We talked of future security, like two people that plan to name a generation after them. And you told me of your dreams and when I spoke about mine and you responded I had to keep my calm lest I told you there and then that you’re the one who I had been searching for all this while.

Of you, a lot I have observed, but mine is but a dream and an entirety of wishful thinking. 

When I saw you angry, you were still more than adorable before my eyes. What came forth from your rants was passion and frustration and it hit me that what you love and care for, you do fight for. I couldn’t help but fantasize about being of such worth to you. 

When you said that I should make a visit, it never crossed my mind that in you I’d come to know  of an amazing person. When I learnt that you were the type that was into reading, my heart sure did leap with joy as it kept pestering me to come out clean with a confession. 

I need to mention to you that I’ve always fallen for your hair,especially that time you had locks on, I don’t know any beauty that could ever much up to that. But then I changed my view on that when I realized that a geek you were, and your pair of spectacles made me just marvel at your beauty that seemed to be heightened all the more. I should tell you that I’ve stared at you longer than any other person I have ever known  and the time I’ve spent stalking your profile to steal glances at your photos warrants me a place among the top spies of the world.

NOTE TO SELF

Dear me, please listen to me

The decisions you’ve made that you thought were bad weren’t that bad really, since they’ve helped you get to where you’re now. If anyone should forgive you then you start the process because at the end of the day you make the approvals for yourself and not anyone else.

When you were pushed to the limit and had to get away from toxic relationships it wasn’t evil an action as the world may want to make you see it. How would something good cause you pain? Or since when did sugar turn your cup of tea into a bitter beverage? You had to do it because real men make tough decisions. 

Don’t bury your head in the sand about those that walked away from you claiming you weren’t right for them. Its a too way thing, if you weren’t right for them neither were they right for you. Wake up and see the beauty of life in meeting new people. 

Photocredits: Antony Mwangi and Kattam Mash

SHE STAYED UP AND LISTENED 

For my sake she wouldn’t mind to lose sleep

​She stayed up and listened, 

As I told her of my undying feelings for her, that sincere part of me that I had kept hidden for far too long,

She stayed up and listened,

Not even for a second did she blink or claim to be tired, in my presence she wanted to be just as much as in hers my heart wanted,

She stayed up and listened,

As I spoke of how rough life has been without her around, how much emotional torment I’ve had to endure just because my heart would not stop expecting her turnaround decision, 


She stayed up and listened,

Not even the strong seduction of dozing off would deter her from mincing the most of this heartfelt proclamation that I was making, all she wanted was to hear me out,

She stayed up and listened, 

As my voice pierced  through her ear lobes and spoke of the most intricate of feelings, she wanted to be in the moment and of that moment’s chemistry even Cupid would be jealous, 

She stayed up and listened,

Not even the thought of a long day ahead would tempt her to say good night to me, more than determined she was to ensure that happiness in me she had restored

Photocredits:Zinc Mwathi and Kattam Mash

MINE LADY

A daughter of the Sun she is.

​Mine lady came from the sun,

Sun kissed you may say she is and with this her complexion will in unisom with all the angels say yes, ask the blind for they see it too,

Mine lady came from the sun,

The warmth and joy that you’d  feel on a summer afternoon to me comes as frequently as I see her, her smile does the magic is the least I’d say,

Mine lady came from the sun,

Epitome of beauty she exemplifies and even peacocks shy away when she treads that path, a Queen she is because her royalty comes from within,

Mine lady came from the sun,

They all want to see her for the day is gloomy without her, the source of joy she is to all just as expected from the daughter of the sun

Photocredits: Kiarie Ruth

ONLY A GUY WITH DREAMS

For her type, only a man with dreams would make it.

Only a guy with dreams she said,

Would take hold of that which she considers most dear, her heart she couldn’t risk losing for any that didn’t want more out of life than that which came to everyone even the average, 

Only a guy with dreams she said,

Would hold her hand as she walked down  the street, for her a chance like that wasn’t deserved of the common grain that didn’t have anything that made them want to be better,

Only a guy with dreams she said,

Would she mind waiting upon with her precious time, life to her is too short to be spent regretting yet decisions are made personally, 

Only a guy with dreams she said,

Would she tie the knot with, to her the nuptials were too important a commitment to be made with the wrong person,

Only a guy with dreams she said,

Would  she have as daddy for her kids,  no other thought ever crossed her mind other than that they deserved the best father in the world
Photocredits: Kattam Mash 

DEAR FUTURE WIFE II

Dear future wife please make sure to read this

Dear future wife, am back on the pen  again to say just a few things to  you my beloved.  I know I had said I’ll work more on finding you than just writing about you but I know you will understand that this is what I do best.

I had forgotten to tell you in my previous letter that I already gave up that bad habit of smoking that I was sure would irritate you if you were to come by then, it came to my mind that we will be better off with me being healthy as we are one. But the one that I had thought was you for whom I gave up the habit  also left  and since I wouldn’t understand why they didn’t appreciate such a sacrifice,  I don’t think you’ll blame if as a way of baying off the thoughts of her I’ll gopple down two puffs once in while. One for my naivity and one for the demon that’s been haunting me.

Dear future wife, it came as a thought to my mind that maybe you will come from my past, if that is so then forgive me for my arrogance and unromantic ways. I was only a boy by then and probably the many instances that I had spent on the Xbox got me thinking that life is a video game, now I know better, trust me! 

Then again I realized that you may come from my present time that am living now. If you do and find that I do not notice your presence please don’t lose heart and understand that am just a victim of circumstance that has made me have time for nothing else other than my fantasies and silly decision making instances. Besides am a young adult now and am sure with your bank of wisdom you will understand that am not stupid neither am I a fool but am simply blinded and do need a guiding hand, or better yet a white stick of life.

But should you come from my future, then hold your horses my dear and don’t make an impromptu appearance in my life, I hate surprises am sure from the many times that we’ve conversed in my dreams you know this too well. After all I don’t think there’s anyone who can read my mind better than you do. Allow me this time to grind so I may make that time blissful for us, the last time we talked you said we were team mates and so I know you want the best for us just as much as I do. I know you’ll keep me in your prayers that I may not get lost in this time am in, I know you’re an angel and The Big Man is sure to answer your prayers much more faithfully.   

Photocredits: Kevin Boro